How many kings stepped down from their thrones?

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Just one.

This song just reminds me of the magnitude of God’s love for us. Only one King stepped down from His throne in heaven to be born in a world of sin and filth. Only one God poured out His love to the world with sacrifice and only one Father gave up His Son so that I could have life.

I sit here, yet again, blown away and knowing that I don’t deserve this immeasurable love God has for me. There are no words fit to express how I feel about God’s love and sacrifice for me. Mixed emotions. I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful, and I’m so amazed and in awe, and I’m humbled and every piece of me that’s broken and empty is made whole and new in Him.

Merry merry Christmas to you all.

I stumbled across Psalm 27 today. I meditated on it and really felt it in my heart. No matter what happens, no matter who says what, God is my rock and I shall not be afraid.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.
The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.

Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Praying that whatever comes your way, you trust God with your everything,

This is a website where I disclose a lot of my personal struggles because I want to showcase God’s glory in my weakness and troubles and how He always delivers whether it be in a way we expect or don’t. Life ain’t easy. Everyone’s heard that one.

My family isn’t rich to say the least. In fact, finances are pretty tight right now. They’ve been for a while actually. Here I am with a Nursing Degree and no nursing job, not because I’m unable to get one, but because God has made it clear to me that my calling is elsewhere. For the longest time ever since I was in nursing school, my family has conveyed to me that their hope is I will be some sort of financial saviour so to speak. It’s not unknown that Nurses make a pretty good living. (My parents are great people by the way so I’m not at all trying to portray them in a negative light. Just keep reading) My parents have expressed several times that we’re in financial trouble and they’re hoping I can get a job and help out.

I really struggled for a few years while I was in Nursing school up until now with the choice I had to make. I felt selfish that I wanted to go and live my dream of helping developing nations and doing missionary work. I felt I should just “suck it up” and push my dream aside. But on the other hand, God had confirmed over and over my calling and I knew I was meant for no other work. I was swayed back and forth for years, feeling guilty about either one. I’m not going to lie, there have been arguments and disagreements with my parents that would end with me crying. I was torn.

But let me you that every time something like that happened, God’s comfort was never far. Over and over the verses that He brought to me were Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” and Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I held on to those precious verses and knew that all I could do was trust God to work things out.

Now to the present. Well, yesterday. Big argument with my mom. I was hurt. She wanted me to go into the direction I didn’t want to go in. She made me feel bad that I didn’t get a job in nursing yet. I took a walk in the park, sobbing by myself on a park bench all the while praying and asking God for His comfort and deliverance. I still knew my calling was where God has called me to go. I knew I could not forsake it.

Then something unexpected happened. My dad called a family meeting tonight. Somehow, someway, in God’s way and in His grace, He worked in my family’s hearts. My dad said that even though we’re in financial hardship and even though it’s hard for them, they know that I must go where God has called me. My parents expressed with tears that they were sorry for causing me pain if I ever struggled to decide whether to follow God’s calling or do what they wanted me to do. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There were lots of tears, lots of hugs and family love. My mother over and over apologized for hurting me. I forgave her. The pressure to “suck it up” is gone. I’m relieved.

See, I myself could not have changed my family’s hearts this drastically and this amazingly. No matter how much I tried to convince them in the past that I wanted to do missionary work, they would never be convinced that it was the best idea. My dad himself said that it’s only God who brought them to this point. Amen. Seriously though, this post isn’t able to capture the moments that just happened.

FUNNY SIDE STORY: My dad told me this for the first time today! Apparently, back when I was about 5 years old, my dad was sitting in church half dozing off from his late night job the night before. All of a sudden, the pastor asked people to stand up for something and my dad thought it was the closing benediction in which everyone had to stand up, so he stood up and in turn, so did my mom. Then after a few more people stood up, the Pastor thanked those who were standing. “Thank you for standing all parents who have made the commitment to send your children into missions. Hahahaha. Oh, you bet God took that commitment seriously.

For all of you struggling, wondering, wandering, not knowing, know one thing: In God’s timing, in God’s way, in God’s grace, He will make a way. Trust Him and you can’t go wrong.

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

That’s exactly how I feel about international work and aiding developing nations. Even describing all this, I still feel like you won’t understand the magnitude of my desire to do this. It’s burned onto my heart.

It’s the only thing that stirs my heart, the only thing that I would jump at in a heartbeat without thinking too much.

I pray that each of you find that calling and that drive to do something magnificent with your life. Mind you though, it might not be glamorous or have prestige, but if you want to do it for God’s glory, even little things will be honoured by God.

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

It’s official. I passed the R.N. exam.

I recall the night before and the day of the exam. God gave me so much peace. I really have Him to thank for every single thing in my life. My wonderful family and my secure future…is all in God’s safe hands.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for me and were thinking of me. Thanks for your encouragement, comfort and prayers. I appreciate it with all of my heart. It’s great to make your parents proud and say they’re happy. Most of all though, I want to make God proud as I step out and do what He has called me to do, whatever that may be, degree or no degree. Through all this time, through the uncertainties and fears, He has constantly and consistently showered me with love and peace always reminding me that He holds me.

Today, my mom insisted that my family have a celebratory dinner out to celebrate my passing of the exam.

My awesome parents who stood by me through many situations, raised me with every ounce of love they have in them and today, I’m glad I could make them proud.

Mysister and me. I’m looking forward to the day when she can also look back at all the hard work she had to endure and be proud of what she’s been able to achieve.

My fish and chips! ^_^

My dad’s GINORMOUS rib dinner. My sister ate most of it. LOL

Again, thank you for your prayers, support and love everyone. I’m so grateful.

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

When I was a baby, my mother cared for me with very little money and very little resources while in the Philippines.

I was conceived out of wedlock and have numerously thanked my mother for not aborting me. She always replied, “Stop saying such crazy things.” But think of this: my father had flown to Canada with his family to begin a new life while my mother was left behind in the Philippines. My mother found out she was pregnant with me when my Dad was set to permanently move to Canada. My mom’s family was not anywhere near wealthy. Raising a baby isn’t cheap.

Over the years, I’ve heard so many stories of when I was a sick baby in the Philippines and my mom would desperately search for a remedy on very little money.

On the other side, I always heard stories of my Dad far away in Canada wondering what his first daughter was like. My wonderful father who busted his back working a minimum wage job that paid $4.50 an hour so that my mom and I could come to Canada. My dad who worked that low paying job even when he was so sick, to the point where his boss would send him home. 

Ever since then, they’ve both loved me and sister with everything they’ve got. I don’t deserve parents like them. And I’m thanking the Lord so much right now because they’re both so wonderful. 

I’ve seen God’s grace and mercy in our lives. Definitely not because we deserve any of God’s grace, but because God graciously loves us anyway.

I definitely don’t feel deserving of all the good things, especially the good family God has given me. But that’s the beauty of God’s grace – getting a lot more than you deserve.

Me and mom when we first arrived in Canada. My dad always tells us he was so excited to see us.

Me and my Dad a short time after my mom and I arrived in Canada.

I truly thank God for blessing me with amazing parents.

Go and tell your parents how much they mean to you!

I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciate my family and church family and friends.

Probably the most special thing that happened that day was that I received an email from myself that I had written more than one year ago. (There’s a website where you can send yourself emails in the future) It was truly a surprise because I had completely forgotten that I had written this, but I honestly felt like I had received this email from a dear friend who knew all of my hardships.
Here’s the email:

Dear me,

Happy birthday! You’re 23. My,my. I wonder what’s going on in your life right now as I, the 21 year old, soon to be 22 in 4 days sits here typing a message for you/me/us. I know though that God is taking care of you. Plus He has an amazingly wonderful unimaginable plan for your life.

One thing I definitely hope is that you’re still closely walking with the Lord.
Just recently, I noticed how different my soul feels when I’m walking with the Lord and when I’m not. When I’m not, there’s truly an emptiness, a loneliness that no one else can fill except the Lord. Truly, we were created to live for Him and walk with Him and created by Him.
I hope you’re putting your trust in Him for everything, serving him, growing in your spiritual life, and just living life for Him.

One thing that I hope you haven’t forgotten is the saying I/you keep close to my/your heart. “I don’t want to be someone who wanted to do great things and didn’t.”
I do want to do great things to bring glory to God’s name.
You know very well my dream. I want to work overseas, I want to work in the missionary field, I want to bring Jesus’s love to different parts of the world.
Don’t ever forget that dream.

Anyway, happy birthday again!
Hope you’re surrounded by love love love. Most of all, God’s love and grace.
Written at Sat Sep 26, 2009

I think God definitely used my past self to encourage my present self with this email. It reinforced what is very dear to me and my goals and dreams. I saw that God loved me and still loves me and will not stop. I see in that email the heart of someone who knows the love of God not because she deserves it, but because He has graciously shown it to her.

I strongly encourage you guys to write future emails to yourself! It’s seriously a really pleasant surprise. Encourage yourself, remind yourself and send yourself love in the future. Here’s the web address where you can do it: http://www.bored.com/emailcapsules/

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

I suddenly felt sadness. I felt sad because we humans are so capable of doing so many things wrong. We’re so capable of hurting others and making mistakes. I was suddenly grieved for the sins of mankind. I grieved for those hurting people, for those who regret, and those who must live with the consequences of their mistakes. I suddenly took to heart the knowledge about the huge gap between ourselves and God. Humans are so unable to be good enough their entire lives. And God knew that. With a grief far greater than I ever felt this moment, God knew we are unable. And so He sent one that was able. Jesus Christ. He is able to bridge us to God. He’s able to love us beyond our mistakes and our transgressions.

Me. I’m so incapable of living a perfect unscarred life. I’v messed up a lot of times. Sometimes, being a Christian is hard. I try so hard, but I keep messing up. But then God reminded me of something Dr. Charles Stanley said when He was mentioning some of the greatest life lessons he’s learned. We, on our own are completely unable to live the Christian life. It’s Christ living in us and living a new life through us.”

“I knew that what I had been trying to do, God never intended me to do. He intended for me to rely upon Him, trust in Him and allow Him to live His life in and through me.” -Dr. Charles Stanley
“My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20

My selfish self, my prideful self, my sinful, very capable part of hurting others self, I want that part to die. I want that part to be crucified so that it is Christ who lives my life.

It’s a big realization when you take to heart that it’s not you, but it’s Christ living in you that’s able to live the Christian life.

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

Oh man, I would be 100x worse if I didn’t have my Lord. I’m really asking Him for peace right now. I’m asking for reassurance that no matter what will happen, that He will sustain me and bring me to the place of His will.

I feel like a little child. I really need to feel the arms of my Heavenly Father wrapping around me and comforting me. I need to hear His soothing whispers telling me, “Shh…there, there….it’ll be ok.”

After crying out to God, just now…I’m suddenly filled with immeasurable unexplainable peace. I literally felt like I had crawled up into God’s arms, sobbing, letting everything out and listening to His comforting words. “I’m so scared.” I said meekly. “My child,” He said. “Was there ever a time when I didn’t keep my promise?” “No.” I choked out. I felt Him draw nearer as He said, “There are many things I have promised you that I will surely keep.”

I don’t ever lie when I say that whenever I needed God, He NEVER ever failed to meet me in my time of need. He can be there for you in your time of need too.

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

I remember a few days ago waking up in bed lazily. I thought about my life’s situation and where I currently was. Then I got to thinking about all my big dreams of being a missionary, becoming a speaker at Christian events, starting a charity. I started to think, “where will I be in 10 years? Will I still wake up lazily like this?” Then all of a sudden, thoughts came flooding in. Maybe my dreams are too big. Maybe I’m hoping for too much. Maybe what I want isn’t even possible. What if I wake up lazily in 30 years and realize that my dreams were unattainable?”

Now let me tell you, God hears his children’s doubts. He hears his children’s worries and cries. That same day, I opened my laptop and accidentally (or God purposely) came across an entry that answered my worries. It said the dreams God gives us are big because God is a big God. If they weren’t big dreams, if they weren’t dreams that seemed impossible, dreams that seemed unreachable through our own efforts, they wouldn’t be those big God-given dreams. God’s plans for us are beyond our ability to imagine them. God gives us dreams that can only be attained through His strength, dreams where you know you need God to make them come true. Then His name can be glorified.

In fact, there have been several times in the past few weeks where I have felt down about something and God would bring a quote or a verse to me that would speak specifically to my situation. It’s happened far too many times to be just a coincidence. No, it was God going out of His way to love me, to comfort me, to remind me, “Hey, I’m here. I love you. Don’t forget that.”
[December 14, 2009]

All of these heartfelt writings are pure evidence that God has never left me and has been with me in my deepest sorrows and troubles. I could never doubt the existence or presence of God because He’s been too real to me. He’s proven Himself through and through.

Friends, sisters and brothers. I sincerely hope and pray that you come to know Him the same way. He’s in love with you. He wants to show you more love than you can even handle. He’s always wanting you to come near to Him.

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

P.S. Thank you to all who donated to Undies for Africa! The large bag of donations is overflowing! I’ll be collecting for another week. People have been purchasing brand new underwear with their own money and donating used bras for women in Africa. Thank you so much!

Hoping you experience more and more of Christ,

This is today’s story that I want to record because God created this moment for me.

What I thought would be a casual talk turned into a talk that I won’t forget. It started off real simple. By the way, she’s a nurse, currently working in the Dialysis Unit. She asked me when I was taking my Nursing exam. I told her in October. I decided to add, “Please pray for me because I want to do Mission work.” She smiled big and said, “I just got goosebumps.” I briefly told her about my story and how God took hold of me a year ago. I then found out that we were very much alike. We both refuse to work jobs that will make us work on Sundays. We both love serving God. We’re both in nursing and had a past with our parents wanting us to go in a career direction that we, ourselves didn’t want to go in.
It was so nice having someone who understood where I was coming from. It was so nice to hear encouragement from someone who understood that most people don’t understand because it’s not a logical decision. She told me of her friends who are working in wards that pay a large amount of dollars and are living in huge houses, but she refuses that offer and chooses to stay in her small apartment where she can keep a job that allows her to go to church on Sundays and spend time with her children.

She then told me of a story of one of her friends who was a lawyer and suddenly got the call to become a Pastor. Her friend is now living in full time ministry, very blessed by God. All their needs were provided (and more). By this time, I found myself to be crying. I realized that through this woman, God was reassuring me that He would meet my needs and bless me because I’ve chosen to say yes to Him. It’s been a difficult journey and it seems to be far from over, but it’s been priceless and unforgettable. I’m so madly in love with my Lord. So grateful and in awe.

Thank you Tita Shiela E. for your time. It means more to me than you know.

Hoping you all experience more and more of Christ,